By now, you probably know that I'm pregnant.  Said pregnancy explains my absence for the past three months.  I wish I could say I was gone because we were wintering in Spain or something, but no such luck.  Instead, I was hibernating, but not the good hibernating where you get to sleep a lot.  I mean hibernating where you are completely withdrawn from the rest of the world, barely able to move, and completely miserable.  Which now brings me to share with you all the things I learned about pregnancy in the first trimester.  Things that I'd heard about, but no one told me the nitty gritty details about.  Because if mothers around the world really shared this stuff, there would be no future generations; no sweet grandchildren for our parents to spoil.  Because even though we planned this baby, and are extremely excited about it, being in the throes of the first trimester made me wonder why anyone would ever choose to go through it again.  That, or just wish we were having twins and get it all over with at once.

You will vomit.  A lot.  All day long.
Sure, we all hear about morning sickness.  (And although it's the most common pregnancy symptom, for some reason I never believed I would suffer from it.)  But what I had heard was that you might be a little nauseous, but a few crackers would help.  Not even close.  I was sick all day long, every day.  For weeks on end.  And not just nauseated, but so nauseated that I was vomiting.  Like, please-let-me-have-the-flu-so-this-will-at-least-end-soon vomiting.  Crackers didn't help, ginger didn't help, eating before I got out of bed didn't help, exercise didn't help, motion sickness bands didn't help, eating small meals didn't help.  Nothing helped.  Except moving into the second trimester.  (And now a shout-out to Cliff who endlessly researched and came home with remedies for me to try.)

You won't want to do anything.
Of course I'd heard about how tired I would be.  But no one told me that I would be so exhausted (from doing absolutely nothing except lying around and vomiting) that I wouldn't want to get dressed.  Or shower.  Or leave the house.  Or eat.  Or even move.  And I especially didn't want to work.  (And now another shout-out to Cliff who worked, and worked, and worked--covering everything with the law firm while feeding himself, taking care of me, and keeping up the house.)

You'll un-crave things.
Obviously I'd heard about all of the insane cravings pregnant women have, but I didn't really know about the aversions to food.  I didn't want anything.  Nothing sounded appetizing.  (Except for two days when all I wanted was Chipotle Burrito Bowls and my sweet husband was buying them in bulk to keep on hand at the house.)  I could barely enter the kitchen without gagging.  I would think I wanted fruit, so we would run to the store and buy two of every fruit they had for sale, only to get home and I couldn't stand the thought of biting into it.  Then I'd think I wanted Jell-O, so Cliff would bring home an assortment of fourteen flavors of Jell-O only to find me unable to even look at the boxes.  I wanted salad, so we bought warehouse sizes at Sam's of all the fixings, just to let it rot in the fridge.  And onions, don't even get me started on onions.  Just the thought of them sent me straight to the bathroom for another bought of upchucking.  (And now yet another shout-out to Cliff for all the emergency runs to the grocery store.)

Your sense of smell will increase.
I think I'd heard something somewhere about this one.  But no one told me that it would be so strong that you could practically smell your neighbor cutting an onion.  And there I went, back to the bathroom.  (Yes, another shout-out to Cliff for ridding our house of every onion-containing product we'd ever purchased.)

You'll be bloated.
I was expecting to eventually grow out of my regular clothes, but not before we had even told anyone we were pregnant.  I was bloated so badly in the first trimester that I think I was bigger then than I am now.  (That's right, shout-out to Cliff for surprising me with a couple of sweet pairs of maternity pants early on, just so I could be comfortable.)

Your boobs will hurt.
Those bad boys won't just hurt, they'll practically render you unable to move.  Ouch.

It will get better.
It will and it has.  (Although I understand that some women are actually diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum and it doesn't get better--and my heart goes way, way out to them.)  Now that we've made it to the second trimester, I am practically symptom-less.  Some days I even forget that I'm pregnant.  
Except for all of that extra peeing.  And it's not just a regular urge to urinate.  I don't even know I have to go until I. Have. To. Go.  And by then, it's almost too late.
Except for having "pregnancy brain".  Which as it turns out is a real thing and not just something we get to use as an excuse.
Except for people now telling you how fat you are.  How you "look bigger."  Or "are getting chunky."  Which is extremely annoying when I haven't even gained a single pound yet.  Thankyouverymuch!  (And now a shout-out to the guy that installed our new furnace and A/C units this week and looked at my abdomen with bugged out eyes and exclaimed, "In there?  You have a baby in there?")
Except that we're learning that a lot of our doctor's appointments seem to be a waste.  We drive an hour each way for a ten minute check-in.  Boo.

But on the very bright side, I haven't been having migraines, I haven't had heartburn, and I haven't been constipated.  Plus, we got to have fun buying a crib and planning a gender reveal party for next week.  And so, I'm sure by the time this is all over, I will be easily persuaded to do it all over again.  Cliff's already working on talking me into the next one...